I’ve been really up and down lately. I’d say definitely more down than up. These times provide me an opportunity to take a look at myself and ask “Why do I feel this way?”. “Is there something I can identify and work on or is it something else?”. I absolutely hate these moments of feeling bad, but one thing it does provide me is a reason to reflect on where I have come from and where I need to be going. I want to take a different approach this round and throw some thoughts and ideas out there as a form of accountability for myself.
So much of what we go through we like to keep private. Not everyone wants to be as open as I try to be with my own personal battle with depression and anxiety. I get why some may not want to blog their entire lives for everyone to read. It is OK to keep what is going on with yourself private and not put it out there for everyone to see. I don’t mean keeping it private and doing it all yourself. It’s more of a keep it private in your own circle of those you trust with telling stuff to when something is troubling you. I feel it is important to share to that level. This journey is hard and it can be really hard when you feel alone.
I feel like I need to throw out all sides of my journey. I think I’m doing a good job of it, but I do think I can do better. My life isn’t all puppy dogs and rainbows (whose is really). Sometimes what I write might come across to some as “he has it all figured out”. Well, quite simply, I don’t have it all figured out and I want to be more forthcoming about these moments as well. At least this is what I want for myself and I’m not trying to push you to make videos and write, for all to see, your entire life story. We certainly need more of these things as we continue to push down the wall of stigma which surrounds mental health, but there are so many great ways to go about this. Writing this blog is one of those ways that work for me personally.
Lately I have been feeling what I would describe as numb. Really just having trouble feeling satisfaction and enjoyment in the things I do in my life. I have been frustrated, which is a repeating topic for me, and quite frankly I feel bored with almost everything.
I have been sleeping more and this can add to the feeling of numbness and frustration. When I sleep to much, reality and dreamworld get a little skewed as I have more dreams when I sleep more. It gets to a point when I am awake that I am feeling numb and bored with life that I want to sleep and dream more than being awake. I want to sleep the feeling I’m having away. The catch is the added amount of sleeping does not lend a feeling of healing.
Sometimes, sleep is what our bodies need to do in order to heal or feel better when we are sick. Extra sleep is what our brains tell us we need so the body can get back to normal. For me, when I sleep more when I am feeling depressed and anxious, the same healing occurrence does not happen. Quite the opposite happens and the more I sleep, the worse I feel, but sleeping all of the time is an easy thing to do when you don’t feel like expending energy in other ways…like living my life and being happy.
So, I have felt unhappy. The unhappy feelings intensify the numbness and the frustration and really ushers in the boredom. I don’t know the exact order all of these occur for me, but I do know they are happening and I have to deal with it…or do I.
These depressed times can throw me over to the “I want to do nothing side”. I start to think “none of this is working anyway so why continue trying?”, so my boredom and numb feeling increase. The frustration increases with it.
I am guilty of wanting all of what I am doing for myself to work immediately and I can instantly be better and be who I was again. I know, from a bit of experience now, that this is not how it works, but I find myself going back to that thought. The frustration grows.
So here I am in bed (we’ll, not as I write this😁). I don’t want to talk or see anyone. I don’t want to try. I’m sick and tired of all of the effort only bringing me so far sometimes. I feel terrible. I don’t want to feel terrible, but I do feel terrible. I don’t like it, but maybe this really is the new me and everything else is a scam.
Maybe I trick myself into thinking I am happier and better. Maybe I think this way because others want me to think this way. Maybe I’m just following a template and all of this is a part of it and in the end we just fool ourselves into thinking we are good-to-go. I’m not going to lie…I think this way from time to time. How could I not? I doubt I am alone in this way of thinking.
But I’m only worried about me, so I don’t care what others may be feeling or not. I’m focused on what my existence feels like now and it is hard to worry about anything or anyone else sometimes. I get super focused on myself and I don’t think this is healthy all of the time.
You put so much focus on yourself and how you feel and why you may feel this way that it becomes all you think about. What you are thinking about is all of the bad feelings you are having right now and you begin to pile the negative on. You begin to believe this tangent way of thinking.
Here comes the accountability part of it. I can get so locked into these thoughts that I shut down. I stop reaching out. I don’t want to reach out. Thankfully, there is a part of me who knows I still need to push and crawl out of this hole I find myself in again.
I feel like I have become lazy in certain aspects of my journey forward. It also doesn’t help that I am stubborn and when I’m not into something, it can seem like an impossible climb trying to flip out of the stubborn me approach.
I have talked about how important going and seeing a therapist has been for me. I saw this element of my journey as a cornerstone to my success. I needed to keep talking to stay focused and to keep learning this new and improved life I want to live.
I cannot tell you the last time I saw a therapist. It was last year sometime through the pandemic. I know it was around the time where I could go back into the office and have a face-to-face visit with my therapist, or more like mask-to-mask.
And then I stopped. I bet it is close or just beyond a year. I’ve been on this journey now for about 2 years and some change. Do the math and you will see that almost half of this new journey has been spent NOT doing something I once saw as so pivotal to my success.
I talked about the importance of seeing a therapist, but I haven’t always been practicing what I preach and I need to get back to that. I have to get back into seeing my therapist as I know it works, but dammit…it feels like a lot of effort again and so I take the “easy” way out and I don’t do anything about it.
This way is nowhere near the “easy” way. It is most certainly the “hard” way. Yes it takes energy and effort to go to the appointments sometimes, but I can honestly say that I have never left an appointment not happy that I went.
Why is it so hard to go now?
I chalk this one up to laziness on my part. No one can do this for you. Dealing with depression and anxiety or any other mental illness is an ACTIVE work in progress. It takes effort. Sometimes it is tiring, but you have to continue with the effort or you quickly can find yourself on the other side.
My laziness in my care has found me more on the other side lately. I have fallen into some old bad habits. No I am still not drinking, but the old habits revolve a lot around doing it all my self which has been proven to be not an effective way to go about this.
I still have not made an appointment with my therapist, but I know I need to. I need to start utilizing, again, this huge benefit to my mental health and to my journey. I need new ways to go about this. I need to solidify the ways that work for me again as well.
There are two things I am going to lay out here right now. These two things, as I reflect, are so important to my ongoing journey. Why do I stop then? Well, I need to stop beating myself up about that question and just do it.
I need to schedule an appointment with my therapist. I need to get the ball rolling again in this department.
I also need to start exercising again. Exercise has always boosted me mentally. It provides a great outlet for relieving what troubles me and a healthy mind can lead to a healthy body and can lead to a better self-image where I don’t tear myself down so much.
There it is. Schedule an appointment with my therapist and remember where the gym is.
It’s out there now so of course I will feel the need to follow up with my progress. I will have to follow up one way or another and continue to be honest with you.
Accountability is a great thing. It can drive us the right direction. I do not like to fail, especially when I put something out there, so now I have to push again to succeed once again.
Do you feel like you may have fallen back in your efforts? Do you have the same numb and frustrated/bored feeling I have been having? Are there some forms of keeping on your journey that are lacking or you just don’t do anymore?
Tell someone what they are. Tell someone what you think you need to do to get back to good again. Accountability is never a bad thing!
You got this! I got this! We got this! Let’s keep walking this path together!
Have a great day!
Please feel free to visit my mental health awareness website: www.rockingmentalhealth.com
Also, feel free to join the group I started over on Facebook – Jason Kehl’s Basement Of Jams: Rocking Mental Health. It’s a chill place for all of us to support each other. We are stronger together!